SUPER ACADEMY: The Oinkining
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: With the help of a new foreign exchange student hero, Dark Cop and Power Kid try to stop Porkulous from his dastardly deeds. A fan fiction based on the web series; search Google for "Super Academy" and pilot. By the way, the exchange student is played by - in my mind - popular Youtube personality SSSniperWolf. July of 2018: Super Academy Twitter page said they're now with Seeka TV
1. Chapter 1

A security guard exits a small booth in front of a fence to a factory late at night. He stops at a pink van.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes," a man says and a couple of arms jut out, holding a map, "I was wondering if you could help me – I'm lost."

"It's pretty late to be getting lost," the guard comments.

"Delivery truck. I'm trying to find 744 Shoat Circle. We passed here…" he points to a spot on the map.

The guard grabs onto part of the map and traces with a finger the road, "I don't think I've ever heard of that road…"

" _Porkchop!_ " the driver exclaims as he karate chops the security guard where the neck meets the collar bone.

The guard falls to the ground, out cold.

"Piggly, Wiggly – take care of it!"

Two men dressed in pink spandex exit the van and walk toward the guard, whom they pick up and drag behind the guard booth. One of them presses a button and the gate starts sliding open automatically. Once they're back in, the van drives in.

.

Dark Cop sits in Valkyrina's office.

"Porkulous," she says.

"I thought he died in that industrial-sized deep fryer," says Dark Cop.

"Technically we never found a body since they FDA shut down the plant and wouldn't let us drain the vat."

"Um. Typical villain survives death scenario. Power Kid says that's common in the comics. Is Porkulous still into all things pig?"

"I wouldn't doubt it. It was his M.O. since the day he appeared on the map. He was before your time – how do you know about him?"

"I read his perp file this morning. I heard about the robbery, cross-referenced the goods stolen by criminal modus operandi and came up with him. It made good toilet literature."

"So you know why I called you here."

"Yes, it's a fair assumption you want Power Kid and I to get some practice heroing in by making sure that little piggy cries _wee wee wee_ all the way to the state penitentiary."

"Close. You know the foreign exchange hero student from out satellite office in Australia arrived this morning."

"Yes, and you sent Starburst; wise choice. Probably not great for foreign relations though."

"I want to partner you with her."

"I don't know. I've come to value and even enjoy working with Power Kid."

"Why, Dark Cop – are you growing as a person?"

"No, I'm a young man over the age of 18 – I stopped growing years ago."

"That's not what I meant."

"I'm sorry. It was a deliberate attempt to evade the subject."

"Ahhh."

"So, is this foreign exchange hero of the female persuasion by chance … attractive? Not that I need to know."

"Well, then, I don't need to tell you."

"I blame myself – I should have been more coy," says Dark Cop.

"Acquaint the exchange student, then the three of you go practicing your investigatory training."

"There are so many things wrong with that sentence."

"And don't be a Grammar Nazi to her."

"Grammar Nazi? I'm a Grammar Warrior – defending the English language from miscreant mis-speakers."

"Just don't do it."

"I promise to make a valiant effort."

.

Dark Cop, Power Kid, and Corona sit outside an office.

"I'm getting butt fatigue. How much longer will she be in the counselor's office?" asks Power Kid.

"Ah, yes – Restless Ass Syndrome – the bane of impatient sitting," says Dark Cop.

Corona comments, "American is a different place; I'm sure the counselor is just easing her in and addressing any concerns. I spent over an hour in there when I first arrived on Earth."

"E.T. adjusted pretty well with only a friend and Reese's Pieces," says Power Kid.

"That was a movie," says Corona.

"Question: Do you like Reese's Pieces?" Dark Cop asks her.

"Well…"

"Yes or no," says Dark Cop.

"I love Reese's Pieces and I intent to take as many bags with me as I can when I return to my planet."

"Exactly," says Dark Cop.

Just then the door opens. We hear a voice.

"Thanks so much. G'day," and with that a skinny white girl with long black hair just below the shoulders, steps out.

"I will now attempt to make an impression," says Dark Cop.

"What?" says the girl, swinging the door open hard and fast, smacking Dark Cop on a shoulder.

"Ow," he says, grabbing his arm and standing stiffly.

"Looks like she already made an impression on you," says Power Kid.

"Sorry," says the exchange hero.

"Hello," Dark Cop says to her.

"Hi! I'm Corona!" Corona says, waving.

"G'day. The name's Sassy Aussie.

"I'm Power Kid," Power Kid says, blushing.

"Dark Cop. I assume you are adjusted to American customs enough to interact with us."

"Oh, blimey, I just let her go on. I figure politics and social customs aside, Australians and Americans aren't all that different. Girls like to have fun and guys love boobies. American blokes do love the boobies, right?"

"Ahhh, I-I-I-I-I…" Power Kid says, trailing off, trying not to look at Sassy Aussie's ample example.

"Yes. I love breasts," Dark Cop says affirmatively, without hesitation, "I would get my hands on them as often as I could every day if possible."

"Dark Cop, 'Yes' would have been sufficient," says Corona.

"What? She asked a question and I wanted to make certain I was clear."

"Why are you here?" Corona says annoyed.

"I am on assignment to act as a good will liaison to our newest exchange student. Come – I shall acquaint you with the academy," he starts walking and they all follow, "This is the hallway; in America we use them for walking, though in Australia you probably walk on the left side…"

.

Sometime later. They are still walking.

"And that's the men's room. Substandard, but it gets the job done," says Dark Cop.

"And that's the wall! You probably don't have those in Australia!" Power Kid says with humorous sarcasm.

Corona laughs.

"Are you mocking me?" Dark Cop says indignantly.

"Yeah, yeah, your lous are ace. Show me something exciting," says Sassy Aussie.

"Ah," Dark Cop stops at a door and passed a card over an electronic reader, "Well, we are now at my dorm room. Prepare to temper your enthusiasm," he opens the door.

"Wow, I've never been allowed in here before," says Corona.

"You're welcome," Dark Cop says to Corona, then continues, "I call it the Darkcave. Because 'Batcave' is probably copyrighted."

"Crickey dick! You could hack China with this thing," says Sassy Aussie.

"I've been ordered to use my computing powers for good."

"That's gotta be gigabytes of RAM," says Sassy Aussie.

"Two terabytes and growing."

"Redundant backups, multiple processors, at least two hard drives, Sassy Aussie continues examining it.

"Perceptive. Are you a fellow techhead?"

"I dabble."

"Oh. Well, if size is your thing, you should see how long my memory stick is."

Power Kid quickly jumps in, "I got a thumb nail, but it holds a lot."

"Okay! I'm hungry – how about some lunch?" Corona interrupts them.

.

The four of them get into line with lunch trays. Sassy Aussie arrives first.

"G'day. I'll take a pair of bikkies, a chokkie, and a Tooheys."

"A what?" asks Power Kid.

"I think she's speaking Australian," says Dark Cop.

"We have sarcasm in Australia too, mate."

"Sassie was an apt name. so, what's a bikkie and chokkie?"

"Biscuits and chocolate. Now, I know you got 'em in America."

"We do," Power Kid responds.

"He is correct. However, you will not find any of that in the Super Academy cafeteria. Their meals are formulated for healthy a supplement to rigorous physical training and muscle growth. Meats, protein, grain."

"It'll make a clacker brownie," says Sassy Aussie.

"I like brownies – is that good?" Power Kid asks her.

"No," she shakes her head, smiling.

.

They sit at a table together eating.

"So, Sassy, how do you like America so far?" Corona asks her.

"I like it just fine. A lot like my country, really, only more fat people. But I want some excitement."

"And you shall have it. I've been asked to take you investigating tonight."

"Ace! Who's the bodgy bloke?"

"Porkulous."

"So, what's his thing? Sassy Aussie asks Dark Cop.

"All things pigs. And related puns."

"He's a chatty type, is he? Those punners usually are," says Sassy Aussie.

"According to this perp file, yes. I've never actually met him."

"I'venever met a baddie I didn't want to take on. They got this smell…" Sassy Aussie comments.

"Ahhhhh…" Power Kid presses his arms against his sides and quickly pulls his shirt down.

Sassy looks over at Power Kid, then sniffs the air around him, "What's that smell?"

"Ah, Arm & Hammer."

"Sassy, in American we tend not to smell out fellow compatriots. Unless it's a hot woman you want to be romantically involved with," says Dark Cop.

"Yeah, we'll make sure you don't do things like that," says Power Kid.

"Can I smell you?" Dark Cop says in a low voice, looking at Sassy Aussie.

"They're just a little weird, but they're good friends," says Corona to Sassy Aussie.

"What?" Sassy Aussie says, turning and looking at Dark Cop.

"What?" he quickly replies.

.

CUT TO: Porkulous sitting at a desk in an office; he plucks at his curly hair. Piggly and Wiggly enter the office.

"Oink," says Piggly.

"Oink," says Wiggly.

"Yes, my pigions?"

"We've finished destroyin' the last of da hall," says Wiggly.

"Oinkcellent."

"Sir, we was wondering – why steal all this bacon and pork, just to incinerates it?" asks Piggly.

"It makes perfect sense, don't you see?"

"It does?" Piggly says in a confused voice, scratching the top of his head.

"What is this we have here?" Porkulous asks them.

"A warehouse," Wiggly responds.

"And what does it stock and sell?"

"Ahhh, bacon?" Wiggly answers.

"Bacon, ham, and pork. And what have we been doing the last few days?"

"Raisin' and slaughterin' pigs," says Piggly.

"Yes, yesss. Which we will then sell. Capitalism requires moral and principled people to wield it responsibly, but I've dispensed with that long ago. I play to sit up like the high hog!"

"Oh, I get it – eliminate the competition!" Wiggly exclaims.

"Pigsicelly! Local restaurants and store delis will become desperate for supply to sell, and Swine Time Bacon will be the only provider. Once we've established a supply line, almost nobody will revert back and we shall be rolling in the financial mud then!"

"Wow, boss, you sure is smart," says Wiggly.

"Correct, my pigions. And after we rob the final local factory tonight, there will be no supplies within three hundred miles!"

"Good one, boss!" says Piggly.

"Yeah, good one," Wiggly also compliments Porkulous.

"Indeed. I hope Burger King isn't out yet, I want a Bacon King."


	2. Chapter 2

"Done," says Dark Cop firmly, waking Power Kid and Sassy Aussie who have dozed off. "Let's go blow this little miscreant piggy's house down."

He walks to his dorm room door and opens it; Power Kid and Sassy Aussie follow him out.

"So, where are we going?" Power Kid asks.

"A local bacon distribution factory for Hormel. Checking up on local crimes, I found another bacon distributor was hit two weeks ago, and the factory Porkulous hit last night was also one. It seems likely, given his modus operandi, that he'll hit another. A quick search indicates there to be only one remaining in a hundred-mile radius."

"That's what I'm talking about! I can't wait to punch _some_ thing," says Sassy Aussie.

"Only in self defense. They frown against undue punches here. Or punching – no matter how deserved – punners," Dark Cop comments.

"Isn't this maybe a little dangerous? Remember a few months ago when Death Strike nearly killed us?" says Power Kid.

"Porkulous is a C-Rank villain; he's more mouth than action. He carries with him two henchmen that are usually unemployed and low in the I.Q. department. All three of us are Level-3 trained fighters and you're," looking at Power Kid, "graced with super strength. This will be like arresting an Occupy Wall Street protestor, only with better hygiene. And maybe some bacon afterwards."

"We gonna ring us some bobbies?" Sassy Aussie asks.

" _That one_ I know. No, police have to worry about warrants, probable cause, and other pesky things."

"They always make us cooperate with 'em back home. Finally, some real superheroing. Fancy an Uber?" says Sassy Aussie.

Dark Cop stops and looks at her, "Real heroes don't use Uber."

.

Hours later, already passed midnight. Dark Cop, Power Kid and Sassy Aussie exit the factory.

"Doesn't look like they're gonna show," says Sassy Aussie.

"Yeah, I'm hungry," says Power Kid.

Dark Cop stops and turns to look at them, "Oh, well excuse me – I wasn't aware evil had a bed time."

"I burn a lot of energy having super strength," Power Kid responds.

"Jet lag," Sassy Aussie comments.

"Unbelievable. Neither of you have graduated to full-fledged superheroes and-" he stops and looks at a flashlight shining on them.

A man dressed in a security guard outfit walks up to them. He looks them up and down.

"Let me guess: the Super Academy."

Dark Cop briefly tosses his arms up, "How come our secret academy is never secret?"

"Founded anything?"

"No," says Power Kid.

"We're going to do a perimeter check. Then have a later dinner and go to sleep, like all eternally vigilant crime fighters do," Dark Cop says with heavy sarcasm to Power Kid and Sassy Aussie.

"Well, I done come from that way alreadies."

"Good. You keep going and we'll double back over where you've been. The modus operandi of a devious miscreant is to sneak in after the guard has passed."

"10-5," the guard salutes and keeps going.

They walk.

"That's why places around here get robbed so often – lower security license standards. Keep your eyes peaked incase officer Fife missed something."

"I hope I get to punch _something_ before bed," says Sassy Aussie.

"And if we encountered a miscreant right now, where would you punch him?" Dark Cop inquires.

"In the _face!_ " Sassy Aussie throws two punches in the air at the same time.

Dark Cop comments to her, "No, the face is no good. Unless you're a professional boxer, you got to aim for the stomach or neck. Take the wind out of your opponent."

"I've seen you punch people in the face," Power Kid says to Dark Cop.

"Yes, and I never incapacitated any of them that way."

"Then why?" Power Kid asks Dark Cop.

"Practice. It's one thing to wail on a punching bag and another to throw one merciless hook after another on a living breathing pun-making miscreant where you can feel each blow of justice strike upon the fat face of a never-do-well," he notices them both starring at him. He releases his fists and lowers them.

"I don't know if you're gonna pass the mid-term psych evaluation," says Power Kid.

"Hey! Hey! Suppers! Dares a somebody in the place!" the guard yells as he runs over.

"Are you sure?" Dark Cop asks.

"Yes!"

"And you're certain it's not the janitor?"

"Ah huh."

"And somebody doesn't walk on all fours, have a tail and answer to the name Spot or Lassie?"

"Yeah, yeah! Go gets 'em!"

"Gets 'em we shall, sir. In the meantime, try not to accidentally hurt yourself with the flashlight. Let's go!"

They run off.

.

They wonder out of a hall into a large packing area. Dark Cop shines around the mostly darkened area with a small high-powered LED flashlight.

"It smells delicious in here. I wish I could sleep in here," Power Kid comments.

"Great. Would you like a bullhorn to make certain all the bad guys heard you?" Dark Cop whispers in an annoyed voice.

"Sorry," Power Kid says in his regular voice.

"No – _why?_ " Dark Cop says in frustration after Power Kid speaks again.

A flashlight shines on them from behind. They turn and see the security guard.

Dark Cop says in a still annoyed voice, "Listen, Bubba, Buford, Cletus, or whatever your name is – we're semi-trained professional superheroes, so just go have coffee and doughnuts and do whatever it is you do."

"Those aren't my names."

"Festus?" Dark Cop guesses.

"My name is…" he rips open his button-upped security guard uniform to reveal pink underneath, " _Proky!_ "

"Oh my God!" Power Kid exclaims.

"I know. Pink spandex on men. Only evil would think of that," says Dark Cop.

Lights come on in the factory; they look around.

" _ **SO!**_ "

They all look in the direction of the voice.

"Porkulous!" Dark Cop exclaims.

"You must be the new piglets of the Super Academy," Porkulous yells at them from on top of a conveyer belt, "Ha! I lead you here like pigs to a trough."

"You'll never get away with this!" Power Kid comments loudly.

"What? This isn't Scooby Doo – criminals get away with it all the time!" says Porkulous.

"Yabber, why don't ya? Thre against two – I like those odds," says Sassy Aussie.

Porkulous commands loudly, "Piggly! Wiggly! Gordy! Babe!"

Four more henchmen rise up from hiding behind various machinery.

"Okay, so not that favorable after all," says Dark Cop.

"Bring 'em on!" says Sassy Aussie.

"No, no, not so fast! I don't suppose you'll take us on one at a time like in the movies?" Dark Cop asks.

"Ha!" Porkulous says, followed by a snort, "I think not. Boys, dispense with them – I don't want to miss that Jim Gaffigan special re-run tonight."

"Ah, you wants that we should take care of 'em?" Wiggly asks, confused.

"Yes! Make it sow!" Porkulous commands.

All of the henchmen cry out, " _Sssqqquuueee!_ " and rush them.

Dark Cop ducts and rolls out of the crowd. Power Kid grabs one by the shoulders to halt him as another starts punching Power Kid in the back.

" _In the_ _ **face!**_ " Sassy Aussie punches one in the face.

"OW! She hit me in the face!" says Gordy.

"Fight it off!" Porkulous replies.

Dark Cop taps one on a shoulder after kicking the one punching his back, "Hey, bacon shake."

The henchman turns around. Dark Cop grabs at the rubber pig snout and pulls it forward, letting go so the rubber band snaps the snout back on the henchman's face.

"Ooowww – not the snout!" says Babe.

"This is pathetic, Porkulous! We'll have their bacon in five minutes," says Dark Cop.

"We'll see!"

Sassy Aussie pulls a boomerang from under her tight short shorts and throws it. She then runs and does summersaults passed the henchmen, pushing off and landing on a conveyer belt. The boomerang whacks one in the head. He looks dizzy and falls into another henchman.

"Ka-pow!" Power Kid slugs one in the stomach. "Ooomph!" he exclaims while slugging another one.

"You're not Batman," says Dark Cop.

"Quiet – I've wanted to do this since I was little."

Sassy Aussie leaps onto the shoulders of a bigger one and locks her legs around him. She takes the snout mask off and puts the rubber band across his neck, pulling hard.

"OW! Stop that! It's a rubber band – it will broke before it nooses me!" says Porky.

"That'll teach you!" Sassy Aussie pulls harder.

"OW! Yeah, not to wears rubbers."

"We're spreading and being forced to do one-on-one's – form a three way!" Dark Cop commands.

"Don't think now's the time for kink, mate," says Sassy Aussie.

"That's where we form a triangle back-to-back; force them to spread out," Power Kid says as he holds one back with a hand on his head.

They each look behind each other with quick glances as they back up, being prodded by henchmen to move around.

"Good. Now we got them right where we want them," says Dark Cop.

The henchmen stop in their tracks and then back up a few feet.

Porkulous pulls out a remote control and pressed a button. A metal net lands on top of them.

"What the – metal?" says Power Kid.

"You do realize this won't jumble up and be hard to get out from under like rope nets, right?" Dark Cop says to Porkulous.

"A-hem," Porkulous points upward.

Dark Cop looks up, as do Power Kid and Sassy Aussie, and see a cable leading from the net up to a power box atop the ceiling.

Dark Cop comments, "Oh, fu-"

Porkulous presses a button and the metal net crackles with the sound of electricity and blue arcs like a stun gun.

The three of them squirm in pain and slowly collapse to the floor. Sassy Aussie finally passes out.

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow," Dark Cop clenches his fists and teeth, "Ow," and he finally gives as well.

Power Kid struggles with the net.

"Agh – boss, he's tryin' ta pulls the net offs!" says Wiggly.

"Inconceivable!" Porkulous exclaims and then climbs down and walks over to Power Kid, keeping his finger over the button and pressed it again and again. "Insolent swine!" he pulls out a tazer just as Power Kid gets the net off, then tazers Power Kid until he collapses.

Power Kid goes unconscious.

.

Power Kid wakes up to being slapped on the face.

"Again?" asks Wiggly.

"Again," says Porkulous.

Wiggly slaps Power Kid, then says, "Again?"

"Again," says Porkulous.

Wiggly once again slaps Power Kid, then says, "Again?"

"Again," says Porkulous.

"I'm awake, I'm awake – stop it. God that's annoying," says Power Kid.

Dark Cop and Sa awaken as well, upon hearing Power Kid's deep voice.

Each realizes they are all hog-tied and on a conveyer belt, on their stomachs.

"Ahhh, you're all awake now," says Porkulous.

"What is this, Porkulous? You're a low-level super villain; you start pulling these hijinks and the Super Academy will call in a B-Level superhero to handle you. I suggest you untie uw now, surrender peaceably, and let me punch you a few times for the puns," says Dark Cop.

"I think not, Batman wannabe."

Power Kid comments, "Batman is a seasoned hero who's also a multi-millionaire and-"

"Shut up! My plan for you so … _hot_ … it'll be sizzling."

"Porkulous, let them go and I'll let you torture me any way you want," says Dark Cop.

"Ummm, tempting, but how about instead I keep all of you and do whatever the hell I want? Way more satisfying."

"What was that? We don't hold any cards," says Power Kid to Dark Cop.

"My valiant attempt at self-sacrificing manliness had its flaws. I'm sorry I couldn't die heroically for you, Sassy Aussie."

"No problem," Sassy Aussie says to him.

"Attached to the ties binding your hands and legs together is 100-pound rated fishing line which has been sown into the belt, so even if you try falling off, you'll still get dragged back up. Inside that packing housing box up ahead my men installed industrial-powered heating rods. The speed of the belt has been re-worked so it'll take over five minutes to each of you to pass through it. It's several hundred degrees in there now. When you come out the other end, you'll be crispy bacon!"

"Where'd you find the time for this overly-elaborate plan? How'd you get the technical expertise to reconfigure the systems?" asks Dark Cop.

"Shut up! Behold – The Sizzlator!" Porkulous motions with his arms like a showcase model on a game show.

Dark Cop tilts his head up as much as he can and sees a white sign with a yellow oval in the middle with triangular spikes all around it and the words "The Sizzlator" in a fancy red font.

"You actually made a sign? With all this time and money you could have invested and-"

Porkulous cuts off Dark Cop mid sentence, "Argh – stop trying to stifle my creativity! Come, pigions – let's go!"

"Ah, aren't wez gonna make sures that's they baconize, boss?" asks Piggly.

"No. A watched bacon doesn't sizzle."

"But, boss, it's just likes dat scene out of that there _Austin Powers_ movie," Says Wiggly.

Porkulous grunts angrily and replies, "I need you all destroying this bacon and packing our brand for sale tomorrow. The plan is full proof – they aren't going anywhere. Come, my pigions!" Porkulous strides out quickly, his blonde curls bouncing up and down. He calls out as he nears the exit, "This little piggy went to market … and never came back!"

The henchmen file out with him. The conveyer belt hums as it powers on.

"Bugger all," Sassy Aussie comments.

"It's not how I pictured my heroic exit – becoming sukkie bakkies," says Dark Cop.

"What now?" Sassy Aussie asks Dark Cop.

"Super bacon. I figure just toss in some extra lower-case K's and it becomes Australian slang."

Power Kid says to Sassy Aussie, "Sorry I didn't get to know you better, Sassy Aussie. You're a way attractive lady and a competent fighter – I'm honored to die with you."

"Awww. You gonna crack a fat?"

"I … don't even know what that is," says Power Kid.

The belt starts slowly moving after an alarm sounds and red light flashes.

"Is this the end of the dynamic trio? Will our collective bacons be cooked? Tune in next bacon time, same bacon channel. The-"

"Power Kid – please desist your narration."

Power Kid hesitates, then continues, "worst is yet to come!"

"Stop."

"Sorry."


	3. Chapter 3

The conveyer belt continues to move. Dark Cop, at the front, slowly starts approaching the blades.

"Okay, so it's been like three minutes – any Batman escape ideas?" asks Power Kid.

"No," says Dark Cop.

"MacGyver?" Power Kid asks.

"No."

"I don't mean to press you, but I don't want to be cooked alive," says Power Kid.

"Oh, no – Sassy Aussie and I will be cooked alive. With your super strength you'll probably just come out blind and with third-degree burns," says Dark Cop.

"Not helping. Power Kid, what about your super strength – can't you break free?" Sassy Aussie asks him.

"No it's like an alligator – powerful crushes, but not much strength opening; I can't get the leverage and I'm not as strong with my hands tied behind me like that."

"I have a confession to make. I lied. Given the circumstances I felt it was an acceptable approach," says Dark Cop.

"About what?" asks Power Kid.

"Being helpless. We do have a trump card – I called out to Corona; she's on her way. I did it while I was being electrocuted."

"I hate to complain…" says Power Kid.

"But you're going to anyway," says Dark Cop.

Power Kid continues, "That was several minutes ago at least and you're nearly in the Sizzlator."

"That's an accurate assessment of the situation as it stands, yes. And stop using the had guy's name for it."

"Sorry," Power Kid sniffs the air, "What's that smell?"

Dark Cop sniffs the air, too and comments, "Smells like … hair. Hair! My hair is singing away! No one will take my seriously if I'm bald. It'll clash with my costume; I'll have to re-design it!"

"Sassy, you got any powers?" Power Kid asks.

"Just agility, aim, and superior balance, otherwise I'd have saved us already."

"I got an idea! Dark Cop, can you activate your electric gloves?" says Power Kid.

"Yes, they also have an optional voice-activation comment"

"I can pull myself forward by my chin and push under you until you're up enough and kind of shove you with my head until your hands land on the bacon box. Maybe you can short it out."

"Barring no other ideas, I'll go with that. And 'bacon box' isn't much better. Do it," says Dark Cop.

Power Kid does just as he described but stops before the push.

"Ready?"

"Hold on; let me turn my head sideways so I don't crush my nose. I'm at the optimal disturbance from the overly elaborate death contraption. Go!"

Using his super strength, Power Kid shoves Dark Cop up.

"Electro-gloves activate!" they power on and crackle a mere second before the gloves hit the casing. Slowly, as the belt moves, Dark Cop is pushed backwards.

"Anything?" Power Kid asks.

"No. I can't open my eyes – it's too hot!" Dark Cop shouts.

"I smell more cookin' hair," says Sassy Aussie.

"You're gonna catch fire!" says Power Kid.

"Correction: My hair will catch fire, my costume is fire-retardant and can withstand higher temperatures than this for two hours."

"That sounds expensive," says Power Kid.

"Yes, it was," Dark Cop is then finally pushed back onto his belly, "Ow. Electro-gloves de-activate."

"Coming up with a brilliant idea at the last second is harder than it looks," says Power Kid.

"Power Kid."

"Yes?"

"My hair is on fire."

" _AGH!_ " Power Kid yells.

Suddenly Dark Cop sees Corona use a pair of bolt cutters to snip his line. She then snips away at the rope binding his hands and legs.

"Never fear, Corona's here … hey, did you know you're on fire, Dark Cop?" Corona says to him.

" _ **OOOWWW!**_ " he screams. His legs and arms fall down.

He tries to climb off, but all four have fallen asleep and instead he falls down and hits the floor. White foam from a fire extinguisher sprays him like a winter blizzard.

Dark Cop says with relief to Corona, "Thank y-"

He's sprayed again, this time a little longer.

"—you," he finishes.

She sprays him yet again.

"Did I get it?" she asks Dark Cop.

"And then some," he says, covered in a lot of foam.

"Ah, can I please be saved from the fire, too?" Power Kid asks Corona.

"Oh, sorry," she dashes over and cuts both lines and then works on Power Kid's rope.

Once his rope is off, he motions at Dark Cop.

"I'll get Sassy. Go check on Dark Cop."

Corona gets on her haunches and starts picking through the foam on Dark Cop's head.

"Are you all right?"

"No," he wipes foam from his face, "I'm looking at the prospect of several bad hair days."

Power Kid pulls at the rope on Sassy Aussie until it starts to fray and strands snap; a few seconds later it rips apart.

"Are you all right?" he asks Sassy Aussie.

"My limbs are a little buggered but otherwise ace."

"Oh, what's this?" Corona says, shifting through Dark Cop's hair.

"My head. What are you doing – looking for lice?" he says with sarcasm.

Power Kid picks Sassy Aussie up by the waist and sets her on the floor, standing but still supported by his hands.

Power Kid talks to her, "Well, you look good. I mean, unscathed. Not that you don't look attractive."

"Thank you," she says.

"I'm okay, too – thanks for asking," says Dark Cop to Power Kid.

"You look a little hot. And foamy," Power Kid says to Dark Cop.

"Corona, stop picking at my head unless you intend to eat what you find."

"You're awful cranky," Corona says to Dark Cop.

"I've just had my ass handed to me by a C-Rank villain aided by grown men in pigs' masks who barely have two brain cells to rub together but demand $15 an hour and voted for Bernie Sanders."

"Let's call it a night and try again tomorrow," says Power Kid.

"No," he forcefully commands, "The Academy rules specified state failed attempts resulting in deaths or near deaths require returning back to the Academy and handing the case over to senior Supers. Corona, did you tell anybody what you were doing?"

"No, I figured there was no time. And there nearly wasn't."

"Good – then we keep going. The rules also state that in emergencies those rules can be waived and the case continued."

"What's the emergency, mate?" Sassy Aussie asks Dark Cop.

"No bacon. Breakfasts the county over will be ruined. McDonald's will suffer. Burger King will suffer. Jack in the Box won't be able to make bacon shakes."

Power Kid quickly comments, "That last one – not so much of a lose."

"I concur. We need to get back to my rom so I can access my computers."

"To the Darkcave!" Power Kid points.

.

The door to Dark Cop's dorm flies open and he walks fast to his sophisticated computer set up. The others follow.

"Computer."

"Voice I.D. pattern recognized."

"Compile all known English synonyms for pig and products made from pigs and cross-reference it with the names of businesses in the county that opened within the last five years."

"Compiling" the computer responds.

"What are you thinking?" Sassy Aussie asks Dark Cop.

"If he's stealing the product, then it's your simple mob tactic – put your competition out of business."

"Why not just use the free market and offer a good product at a price the consumer will pay? Power Kid asks him.

"Did you seriously just ask my why a criminal won't operate within the normal confines of Capitalism?"

"It seemed like a good question."

"It was not. Like the mob, miscreants will open a legitimate store front to appear not to be criminalistic."

"Search completed. One match found," the computer speaks.

"Computer, read the company name aloud," Dark Cop pulls open an online map website.

"Swine Time Bacon."

.

Piggly and Wiggly patrol the perimeter of Swine Time Bacon. They approach each other and stop a foot away; they salute each other.

Corona runs up to them holding a map, "Excuse me! Excuse me!"

"Hey, you're not supposed to be in heres," says Wiggly.

"Yeah. Wait – why are you blues?" asks Piggly.

"Yeah, that's weird," Wiggly says as he adjusts his rubber pig snout.

"Oh, this? I'm going to a costume party. Like it? I'm like, Mystique's cousin."

"I guess I can sees that," says Wiggly.

"But I'm kind of lost. Can you guys help me? I'm trying to get to Willoughby and Utopia; can't seem to find them…." She walks around behind them so she's facing the building. She holds the map down and spreads it out.

"Ahhh, I've never really used a map befores. It's alphabetical order, right? Should be on da bottoms," says Wiggly.

"No, ya fat hog, it's left to right, then downs – like them books thingies," says Piggly.

They look down and stare at the map. After mickey-moussing around on it with their pointing fingers. They freeze when they see a shadow loom over the map. They rotate their necks and look; Power Kid stands there.

Wiggly exclaims, "Sweet Jeebus – I sees a dead people!"

Power Kid puts his hands on their heads fast and just as fast smacks their heads together. They collapse to the ground unconscious.

Dark Cop and Sassy Aussie run over.

"Good work you two. Corona, tie them up and keep an eye out. Power Kid, Sassy Aussie, you're with me," he opens the doors after unlocking them with keys he pulled off one of henchmen.

"What do you think Porkulous is doing right now? Sassy Aussie asks.

Dark Cop replies, "Undoubtedly some dastardly deed of ill intent…"

.

Porkulous sits in a Lazy Boy chair, reading the newspaper. Behind him a large painting on the wall of the red circles and hole Porky the Pig says "that's all folks!" from. He coughs.

"Agh – still got that cough. I think I have swine flu. Pretty sure I got swine flu," he continues reading, "Oh – they're gonna open a Doublemeat Palace in town!"

The door to the packaging assembly floor comes flying across the room along with pieces of the frame; Power Kid comes stumbling in sideways, almost falling it.

"Do you have any idea how much that door cost?!" Porkulous yells to them.

Dark Cop points at Porkulous, "This little piggy's gonna cry wee wee wee all the way to the Federal penitentiary!"

Porkulous pulls out a walkie-talkie, "Piggly, Wiggly! Pink alert in packaging!"

"I wouldn't wait for them, Porkulous – they've been smoked!" says Dark Cop.

" _Swine!_ " Porkulous bellows.

"Wow, you made a pun; you're growing," says Power Kid to Dark Cop.

"I assure you, I feel dirty."

"Good God – superhero banter; what a boar. That's bore spelled boa-"

"We got it," Dark Cop cuts Porkulous off.

Porkulous purses his lips and squints his eyes, then shouts, "Gordy! Porky! Babe! Hamilton!"

The henchmen come dashing in and stand between then and Porkulous.

"Four against three – still good odds," says Porkulous.

"Pig's arse!" Sassy reaches behind her back and pulls out two compact boomerangs; she flicks them open, aims, and tosses both at the same time. They spin through the air and strike two henchmen on their hands. She runs and summersaults across the room and through the henchmen, heading for Porkulous. He scowls and runs.

Dark Cop activates his gloves and the sound of electricity crackles in the air. He peruses Porky. Power Kid goes after Hamilton.

"Dude, I have super strength. When I punch you, it's gonna hurt like really really bad. Just give up; whatever he's paying you, it can't be worth it," says Power Kid.

"Ha! Try a life-time supply of free bacon!" says Hamilton.

"Wow, really? I guess it is worth it," Power Kid says and bonks Gordy on the head with a fist as Gordy gets up.

Porkulous runs through an open door way, stops and turns around. He presses some buttons on a control panel. An alarm goes off and he continues running. A metal-barred security screen starts rolling down quickly. Sassy sees it and runs as fast as she can. She dives on to the floor on her belly, head first and slides under the door. She stops three fourths of the way and reaches forward with the palms of her hands and puts them on the polished white tile; she uses the friction to pull herself forward. The door shuts a second after. Porkulous turns around to see her getting up.

"Hogwash!" he blurts and runs.

.

Dark Cop reaches over and grabs Porky by the fake rubber pigtail connected to the seat of Porky's pants as he runs. Unable to move, Porky tries to pull forward. The threads holding the tail to the pants break and it rips off, causing Porky to fall forward. He lands on the floor.

Dark Cop flips Porky over, "Squeal little piggy, squeal…" his gloves crackles with electricity. He presses them into Porky's chest.

"B-deba-deba-deba, ah, b-deba-deba…" he shakes and stutters.

Dark Cop removes them from Porky's chest, "shut up," he puts them back on.

"Ah b-deba-deba-deba, ah-deba-deba-deba…"

Dark Cop removes them again, "Shut up!" he says more forcefully, then shakes Porky some more.

"Deba-deba-deba-deba – that's all, folks!" and Porky passes out.

Babe comes to and sees Dark Cop over Porky. Babe gets up and grabs a metal crowbar for opening crates.

.

Power Kid and Hamilton circle each other with fists up.

"Listen, we've been circling each other for like three minutes now; are you gonna hit me or what?" Power Kid asks him.

"Why don't you just hit me first then, Mr. Impatient?" says Hamilton.

"I'm just being nice and giving you the first shot."

Dark Cop bumps his back into Power Kid's, after jumping back to miss a swing from the crowbar, "Power Kid, forego the pleasantries – he's a miscreant."

"Doesn't seem fair to throw the first punch," Power Kid knocks Gordy on the head again as Gordy comes to and rises. Gordy again collapses unconscious.

"Need I remind you Porkulous is getting away and Sassy Aussie is alone."

"Crap – I forgot about her running off. I got an idea," says Power Kid.

"Hey! I'm the bad guy, starts talkin' to mes!" Hamilton demands.

"What is it?" Dark Cop asks Power Kid.

"Get back-to-back with me. I'll shout some commands – do them as quick as possible. Activate your gloves."

Dark Cop does so, "Done."

"Swing at him!" Power Kid yells.

Dark Cop throws a punch at his opponent. Then a split second after, Power Kid throws a punch at Hamilton.

"Grab the crowbar!"

Dark Cop grabs it, just as it is being swung at him. The electricity conducts through the metal and shocks the henchman.

"Get him!" Power Kid jumps out of the way of the punch Hamilton is throwing.

Dark Cop pulls Babe's arm forward, making the crowbar connect with Hamilton's right exposed shoulder after it slices through the air.

They both shake as they are electrified. Dark Cop releases the crowbar and both henchmen collapse to the floor.

"No Shake'N Bake jokes. Go help Sassy Aussie – I'll tie them up," says Dark Cop.

"Right," Power Kid then bonks Gordy over the head again as Gordy gets up. He falls unconscious again as Power Kid takes off.

.

Porkulous runs into the processing area. He looks around and spots an exit door. He dashes over as Sassy runs into the area as well. He pulls out a key ring and finds a key. Just as he's about to stick it in the lock, a boomerang slams into the hand causing him to drop the keys. He puts the hand into his mouth.

" _ **OW!**_ " he exclaims loudly, then reaches for the keys with his other hand. Another boomerang slams on the door right above the keys.

Porkulous abandons the keys and runs to a control station.

"Here piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy…" Sassy Aussie says to Porkulous.

"Ha! Oink you!" he cuts the power on to the industrial meat grinder.

He climbs up a metal ladder and on to the stainless steel try meat is carried on to the grinder.

Sassy Aussie runs and does back flips up to it; her last back flip lands her on the metal with Porkulous.

"It's the end of the sty for you, Porkulous; I'm gonna blow your house down."

"Ha! I've been blown before!" he sees her looking at him funny, "Poor choice of words, but you know what I meant!"

He lunges at her and grabs one of her arms.

" _Porkchop!_ " he says as he karate chops her on a shoulder. " _Porkcop!_ " he does it again.

"Ya fuckin' over-sized dingo!"

He grunts, "I'm no fat! I have a thyroid condition, big bones, and extra skin!"

She punches him in the stomach; it ripples. She punches him again.

" **Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!** "

Dark Cop catches up to Power Kid, who is repeatedly slamming a shoulder into the metal-bared door.

"Can't break it down?"

"No. It must be re-enforced and steel."

"I'll hack the control panel," says Dark Cop.

.

Sassy Aussie and Porkulous continue to struggle. He grabs ahold of her other arm, also by the wrist area.

"I've got a grip like a gator! I do hand exercises like the Goblin King from 'Labyrinth'."

"Oh, like the marbles and the coin?"

"Exactly. I am a master of playing with my balls!" he sees Sassy Aussie looking at him funny again, "You know what I meant!"

"Afraid of a fair fight?" she says, now pushing backwards toward the meat grinder.

"Fair fights are for suckers. I used to fight fair back with other superheroes and all I did was get my ass handed to me. I've felt my ass way too often!"

"I agree," says Sassy Aussie.

"Argh – that's not what I meant!" he quickly stops pushing back with one hand and they spin and land on their sides on the tray.

.

Gordy regains consciousness again and finds he's zip tied by his hands in front. He struggles to get up and when he does, he bonks his head on the bottom of an assembly belt housing, knocking him unconscious yet again.

.

Porkulous fights to keep Sassy Aussie pinned down as he is atop her.

"Ever been porked? I also come from a land down under, if you know what I mean…"

"In a pig's eye, you Weinstein-er!"

Sassy Aussie kicks her knees up hard, sending his lower half into the air for a second. She tucks her knees to her chest and angles her ankles so her shoes are on his legs when he lands.

" _Ha!_ " she head-butts him.

" _ **OW!**_ " he removes his hands to grab at his face off her with her legs.

Porkulous crumbles into a "V" shape as he flies backwards. He lands on his ass with his legs stretches out in front of him. He shakes it off and feels his head as Sassy Aussie stands up.

Porkulous stumbles to his feet, "Up your shout!"

"Fuck you got a lot of tho-" she stops as he bulrushes her.

" _Porkpunch!_ " he lets his left fist fly and his body's weight go into the punch.

"In your _**face!**_ " Sassy Aussie says quickly. And lays a right hook to his face.

He spins around as he falls on her, knocked her off the feeder tray; she hits the ground three feet below.

"No! No! _No!_ _ **AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!**_ "

Cracking noises come from the grinder and blood splatters around, just as Dark Cop and Power Kid run in.

"Sassy!" Power Kid runs over and helps her to her feet.

"Porkulous!" she motions to the grinder.

Dark Cop look at it briefly, then away, "That's a substantial amount of blood. It's safe to say he's no longer amongst the living."

"I know I should feel bad, but all I can think about is that commercial with the pig in the car yelling 'Weeeee!'," says Power Kid.

"Figjam!" Sassy Aussie says as she brushes her clothes off.

"Yes. Whatever that means. We better call the Academy to come take care of things before C.S.I. ropes it off and the government steps in. Good work," Dark Cop shakes each of their hands.

"Now we can go home and eat?"

"Yes. Fair warning: the first person to make a bacon joke will be tazered."

.

The next day, in the afternoon. Dark Cop, Power Kid, and Sassy Aussie sit in Valkyrina's office, waiting patiently.

"Fuck me, I don't live here, and I'm not a student, yet I'm in trouble," says Sassy Aussie.

"Being involuntarily responsible for somebody's death tends to get you noticed here," says Dark Cop.

"I told you he fell in."

"He got a little _behind_ in his work," Power Kid snickers a little bit.

"Valkyrina walks into the office and sits behind her desk.

"Dark Cop, Power Kid, Sassy Aussie. I've just finished a meeting with the Board of Directors. In view of the statements and evidence gathered, we find flagrant violations of the rules. Power Kid."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Given your spotless record to date and selfless act of sticking with your colleagues in battle, we have decided to only give you a warning."

"Ohhh, thank you, thank you, thank you," he cups his hands on his face and rubs them down.

"Corona has been absolved of any dereliction given the timely emergency of her life-saving rescue. Sassy Aussie."

"Yes, miss?"

"While it is not within our jurisdiction to discipline you, when serious incidents occur here involving foreign super heroes, it is required an immediate investigation and action taken. Having said that, the Board finds no actions you took to be in violation of the rules."

"What about Porkulous?" Sassy Aussie asks in a confused tone.

"Investigation of the meat grinder found while the blades were indeed real, they were dull and retractable."

"Retractable?" Sassy Aussie asks.

"It's the same principle magicians use. Once inside a false door was found that opened to a hiding compartment."

"But the blood and skin."

"A hog carcass. A sensor inside the grinder tripped a basic control circuit board with a timer. Once the timer ran out, the blades became un-retractable and he pushed a hog carcass into them. He waited for you to leave and slipped out peacefully."

"Crikey dick," says Sassy Aussie.

"He lives," says Dark Cop.

"And to think I actually felt bad about the whole thing," says Sassy Aussie.

"We're looking, but he appears to have gone underground."

"What a pathetic M.O. – faking your death," says Dark Cop.

"Power Kid, Sassy Aussie, you may go."

"Thank you," says Power Kid.

"Miss," Sassy Aussie nods her head.

They stand up and exit the office.

"What about me?" Dark Cop says in a voice indicating he knows he's not off the hook.

Valkyrina sighs, "Dark Cop, the Board has decided in view of your actions, you are charged with three counts of willful violations of the rules. Count one: willful ignoring of Academy regulations on pursuing a villain when no dire emergency exists. Count two: failure to inform superiors. And count three: willful endangerment of people under your command."

"We took out two guards before we entered."

"There could have been a factory full of them," Valkyrina replies.

"There were only five total."

"Which equals out numbered."

"But we won."

" _This_ time. That could just as easily have been Sassy Aussie in the grinder and the grinder could have been real. And don't forget your Kentucky-fried haircut."

"I admit, I'm overzealous in my pursuit of justice. Perhaps my judgments could have been wiser."

"Could have? You almost all died. Dark Cop, I'm not going to argue with you. I've given you friendly reminders, a warning, and I've had to punish you twice. Dark Cop, given your repeated violations of rules and regulations, I have no other choice but to suspend you from the Academy."

Dark Cop gets a lump in his throat, then replies, "For how long?"

"One month, effective tomorrow. You may continue to use your dorm, activities room and cafeteria, but you are hereby banned from all classes, studies, and patrols. Any continued patrolling while on suspension, will result in termination from Super Academy. Do I make myself clear, Dark Cop?"

Dark Cop lowers his head and shakes it "Yes" a few times.

Valkyrina doesn't speak for a few seconds and reads the reaction on Dark Cop's face before continuing, "Dismissed."

Dark Cop sits up and exits the room quietly.

Valkyrina looks on in silence.

.

A week later.

Corona, Power Kid, and Dark Cop (in civilian clothes except his mask), stand outside a small private jet as Sassy Aussie's luggage is loaded.

"You sure you wouldn't like Glyph to teleport you back home?" Power Kid asks Sassy Aussie.

"Nah. Seen too many wiccans Kirk-up things back home."

Dark Cop comments to Power Kid, "I blame you for her knowing who Kirk is," while he looks at him.

"Heck no – every year I'm at Con in uniform," Sassy Aussie says to Dark Cop.

"Prime or Kelvin?" Power Kid asks her.

"Prime, of course," she ways and they high-five.

"It's probably best I don't get that. Sassy, it's been a pleasure working with you. If you're ever in America again, feel free to stop by," Dark Cop offers his right hand. They shake hands.

"Ya bastard," she says.

"That's good, right?" Dark Cop asks her.

"In Australian."

The pilot stops by, "Miss, we'll be ready to depart in a few minutes."

"Thank you," she then looks at Corona, "Reckon I should thank you for savin' our hides. Thank you," she gives Corona a hug, which Corona welcomes.

"Oh, I enjoyed having you here," Corona says; they release, "We should do hugs more often."

"No," says Dark Cop.

"Dark Cop…" says Sassy Aussie.

"Yes?"

"Kindly piss off."

"Come on, Mr suspended, let's give 'em some privacy," Corona grabs Dark Cop by a wrist and leads him away.

"So," says Power Kid.

"So," says Sassy Aussie.'

"I've never had to say good-bye to a girl before."

"Are you gonna gold my hands or what?" says Sassy Aussie.

"Ah, yeah," he quickly fumbles for them.

"Gonna miss you."

"Me, too; you I mean, not myself. I guess people say things like parting is such sweet sorrow, or I hate good-bye's. Maybe if you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it, maybe not-"

"Kiss me," says Sassy Aussie.

"I can do that," he then places his arms around her and they kiss.

Corona and Dark Cop look on a few dozen feet away.

"Ahhhhh…" Corona says in a sweet Voice.

"I won't be doing that either," Dark Cop quickly speaks up.

.

"Nice," she says after they release, "Ta," she slaps him on an ass cheek and heads for the plane. Once in, she leans back out and waves; her vocal good-bye obscured by the hum of the jet engines.

Power Kid watches as the plane pulls out onto the runway and starts speeding up. After a minutes he turns around and heads for Corona and Dark Cop.

"Interesting good-bye," says Dark Cop.

"Yeah," says Power Kid, still flustered.

"So … did you two…?" Dark Cop asks.

"A gentleman never tells."

They walk back to the Academy car.

.

Somewhere, in a dark room, a picture of Dark Cop, Power Kid, and Sassy Aussie tied up and unconscious, is taped to a wall.

"Whoever you are, you won this time, but this little piggy will _cry vengeance!_ " a knife cuts into the wall, on the picture.

 **-THE END-**


End file.
